Chasing Shadows Read online

  “I’ve had to tell so many lies, Opa, and I know what the Bible says about lying. Ever since I was Maaike’s age, you’ve drilled into me how much God hates liars. But I’m working with the Resistance now, trying to save lives, and that means I have to lie all the time.”

  “Here, take her for a moment,” he said, shifting the baby into Ans’s arms. “I want to read you the verses from Proverbs that I used in last week’s sermon.” He stood and retrieved his Bible from the table, then sat beside her again, paging through it. The familiar rustling of the thin pages was somehow comforting. “Here’s what it says, Ans—and it’s a command: ‘Rescue those being led away to death; hold back those staggering toward slaughter. If you say, “But we knew nothing about this,” does not he who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not he who guards your life know it? Will he not repay everyone according to what they have done?’ I believe God is on our side in this work we’re doing. And you’re certainly not alone in doing it.”

  “So it’s okay to lie?”

  “It’s not. But the Jewish midwives lied to Pharaoh in order to save Jewish babies. Moses was one of those rescued children, and he led millions to freedom. There’s a difference between lying to save yourself and for your selfish ends—to get yourself out of trouble or make yourself look good—and lying to save another person’s life. A huge difference.”

  “The people I work with in the Resistance may be coming to see you. They need safe hiding places, and I told them you might be able to help. You know which people in the village to trust.”

  “Yes, of course I’ll help. But now look at the time,” he said as the mantel clock struck the hour. “I need to drive you out to the farm before curfew.”

  “It’s already past curfew. Won’t you get into trouble?”

  “I’m allowed a little leeway as a pastor. Deaths and illnesses and other crises have no respect for curfews. But perhaps you’d better sleep at the farm tonight rather than risk coming back with me. Let me turn out these lights, and we’ll go.”

  CHAPTER 33

  Lena was reading Maaike a bedtime story when she heard a car coming up the road. She stopped reading, suddenly alert. It was after curfew. The car halted outside. The engine turned off. Two car doors slammed. “Who’s here, Mama?” Maaike asked.

  Not the Nazis. Please, not them. “I don’t know. Your papa will see to them.” She continued to read, hoping to finish the chapter quickly as voices drifted up from the kitchen. She recognized her father’s voice and felt only slightly relieved. It would take something important to bring him out here this late. And then she heard another familiar voice.

  Ans!

  She closed the book and hurried downstairs, knowing that Maaike would surely follow her. Lena reached the bottom of the stairs, and there was her beautiful daughter, standing in the kitchen, holding a bundled baby in her arms.

  “Ans! My goodness! What are you doing here?” Lena rushed to embrace her. Ans handed the baby to her grandfather and hurled herself into Lena’s arms as if she might never let go. “Let me look at you!” Lena said when they finally parted. Footsteps thundered down the steps as Maaike and Wim joined them.

  “You’re home!” Maaike cried. “You’re finally home!”

  “Hi, Ans,” Wim said shyly.

  “Wim! My favorite brother!” Ans replied. They all laughed and cried and embraced each other, then Lena remembered the baby. She was just waking up, stretching and yawning and rubbing her eyes as if she’d been asleep for a hundred years.

  Lena reached out for her. “And who is this little one?”

  “Her name is Elisabeth. Her mother died and she needs someone to take care of her.”

  “Well, hello, Elisabeth. Welcome to our farm.” She had lovely dark eyes the color of chocolate and ebony hair that fell in soft curls around her face. She blinked as if wondering where she was, then smiled at Lena, revealing teeth like tiny pearls. Lena smiled in return. She had a thousand questions she wanted to ask, but they could wait until after the children were in bed.

  “Let me see; let me see!” Maaike begged. Lena sat down on a kitchen chair, loosening the blanket and allowing Elisabeth to sit up and look around. “Hi, Elisabeth!” Maaike said. “We’ll call you Bep, shall we? My friend is named Elisabeth and that’s what she likes to be called.” Maaike and the baby seemed intrigued with each other, holding hands and grinning.

  “Are you hungry, Ans?” Lena asked.

  “Ja. I didn’t eat much before leaving. I was too worried about how the baby would manage the trip.” Lena handed the baby back to Ans and let them visit with Maaike and Wim while she fixed something to eat. She made tea for Pieter and her father and warmed a pan of milk to put into one of the bottles Ans had brought.

  “Now,” Lena said when Wim and Maaike had been sent off to bed again. “Tell us about Elisabeth.” She lay in Ans’s arms, guzzling the bottle of milk.

  “She’s Jewish,” Ans said softly. “She and her parents needed to go into hiding. The Nazis are rounding up all of the Jews in Leiden and deporting them. I hoped you’d be willing to take Elisheva.”

  “Yes, of course we will,” Pieter said. “We’ll help any way we can.”

  “The Dutch underground supplied a false birth certificate that says she’s Elisabeth Jager from Noordwijk and that her mother died. Her father supposedly travels with the railroad. The certificate should be sufficient if the Nazis inspect her papers. I hesitated to put you in danger, and especially Wim and Maaike—”

  “We’re trusting God to keep them safe,” Pieter said. “They don’t know anything at all about our underground activities.”

  “We’ve prayed about it,” Lena said, glancing at her father. “And we believe God is asking us to do whatever we can to fight against this evil. The baby’s parents are welcome to hide here, too. Surely they’ll want to be together.” Lena could well imagine the grief Elisabeth’s mother must have felt when she released her child into a stranger’s arms. Only desperation could have torn one of Lena’s children from her.

  “It isn’t safe for them to hide together. Elisabeth’s parents are refugees from Germany and speak Dutch with an accent. The Resistance will find hiding places for them.”

  “Is it dangerous living in Leiden?” Lena asked. “Because you know you can always move back here with us.” It was what Lena wanted with all her heart, just as Elisabeth’s mother had wanted her child to be safe.

  “I need to go back and help all the others, Mama. The Resistance is also hiding onderduikers—men who’d otherwise be sent to Nazi labor camps.”

  “Tell your contacts they can send people to us,” Pieter said. “Your mother and I have built hiding places to store food, but we could easily hide people there too.”

  “And I know several trustworthy people in my congregation who’d be willing to help,” Papa added.

  “Thank you. I know they’ll be grateful.”

  “We’ve formed a local group of resisters,” Pieter said. “We’ve been stockpiling food and doing things to disrupt the Nazis any way we can. We’re willing to do more if you tell us what needs to be done.”

  “Well, besides hiding places,” Ans said, “they need a supply of ration cards to feed the people in hiding. The Resistance steals them when they’re delivered to post offices each month. I know they’re breaking one of the Ten Commandments, but—”

  “We’ll ask the Almighty for forgiveness,” Papa said. “Jesus commanded us to love our neighbor, first and foremost. I think we can put underground work into that category.”

  The baby finished eating, and Ans passed her to Lena so they could grow used to each other. How Lena loved the feeling of her warm, wiggling weight in her arms, the scent of her soft hair and skin, the sweet babbling sounds she made. Lena loved being a mother and missed having children this age now that Maaike was in school. Yes, she and Bep would get along splendidly.

  “Elisabeth’s mother sent this photograph album,” Ans said, pulling it from the suitcase. “They wan
ted Elisabeth to remember who they are if anything happens to them. She wrote you this letter, Mama. And one for Elisabeth to read in the future. But you’ll need to keep the album hidden in case the Nazis search your house. The photographs will give away her Jewish identity.”

  “Do you think they might search here?”

  “The Gestapo has come to the town house several times. That’s why we had to find another place for the family to hide.” The baby squirmed in Lena’s arms, so she set her on the floor. She leaned against Lena’s legs as she gazed around the kitchen. Ans handed the letter from Elisabeth’s mother to Lena, and she unfolded the page to read it.

  Dear Mrs. De Vries,

  In giving you my daughter, I’m giving you part of my heart. For however long this war lasts, you’ll be the one who will watch her grow and teach her to skip and run and sing. You’ll brush her hair in the morning and hug her good night and dry her tears. I pray that you will love her as if she is your own daughter and that she’ll know comfort and security in your arms.

  If God wills it, we will meet one day, and I will be able to thank you for protecting my little girl. If He wills otherwise, I ask that you tell her about her father and me, Avraham and Miriam Leopold, through these photographs. Tell her that her Hebrew name is Elisheva, and that it means “God’s promise.” Tell her how much we love her. And how very hard it was to let her go.

  Gratefully,

  Miriam Leopold

  “What difficult decisions this war forces us to make,” Lena said. She wiped her eyes and slipped the letter between the pages of the album. She knew this mother’s pain and fear. Tomorrow she would have to release her own daughter. Ans would return to Leiden and put herself in danger by helping the Resistance. Until Lena held Ans in her arms again, her soul-deep fear for her wouldn’t go away. How she hated the Nazis for what they were doing to her family.

  “Pieter, you’ll need to fetch Maaike’s old crib from the attic,” she told him. “Put it in our bedroom for now.”

  She padded the bed with feather pillows after scrubbing off the dust and cobwebs, using the work to keep her emotions under control. If she ever stopped working, she would surely fall apart.

  The house quieted after Papa returned to the village and Pieter and Ans went to bed. But Bep couldn’t seem to fall asleep in her strange surroundings and in a stranger’s arms. She cried and cried for her mama as Lena walked through the downstairs rooms with her, and nothing Lena did could console her. “Poor little thing,” she murmured as Bep pushed away the bottle of milk Lena offered her. “I’ll bet your mama is weeping for you too.”

  Lena’s tears fell along with Bep’s as she paced through the darkened house, praying and pleading with God, desperate to feel His peace. How long would they have to endure this war, these painful separations, this agonizing uncertainty day after day? Would their lives ever be the same? Have mercy, God. Have mercy on this child and on us all.

  When Lena ran out of tears, she began to sing, humming the melodies of her favorite hymns, finding consolation as the words flowed through her mind. She rocked little Bep in her arms as she sang, and at last, at last, the music soothed the exhausted baby to sleep.

  Lena and Pieter were up before dawn to milk the cows and do their chores. Papa came back to drive Ans to the train station. Lena couldn’t hide her tears as she hugged Ans goodbye. There was no way to know when they would see each other again.

  Papa prayed for all of them before leaving. “Just remember,” he added as he kissed Lena goodbye, “nothing any of us will ever face, now or in the future, is out of God’s control.”

  It didn’t take Lena long to get used to doing her chores with a baby riding on her hip again. Bep was curious about everything on the farm, and she stared in wonder at the squawking chickens and the huge black-and-white cows. Maaike loved having a living doll to dress and feed and play with. But Bep cried for her mama when she was tired or hungry, and it took Lena a long time to comfort her.

  The baby went to church with them on Sunday, although Lena spent most of the service walking with her outside. Lena’s friends swarmed around her afterwards, asking questions and saying what a beautiful child she was. Lena told them the story she’d rehearsed with Ans—Bep’s mother had died, and her father traveled for the railroad and couldn’t take care of her. They’d lost their home after the Nazis evacuated their neighborhood in Noordwijk.

  At last the other parishioners left to eat their Sunday dinners. Lena was about to leave too, when she noticed her cousin lingering behind to talk with her. Truus pulled Lena aside, whispering as if what she had to say was top secret.

  “I think you should know there are rumors all over town about your baby.”

  Lena’s stomach did a slow turn. If people in town guessed that Bep was Jewish, Ans would have to find another hiding place. Lena watched Bep toddling near their truck, holding Maaike’s hands. She already loved Bep’s smile and her dark eyes and the soft black ringlets at the nape of her neck.

  “I don’t listen to rumors, Truus, and you shouldn’t either.”

  “Well, in this case, maybe you should. It reflects badly on you and your family, so you’d better defend yourself for their sakes.”

  Lena’s stomach rolled again. If someone informed the Nazis, they would take Bep away and send Lena and Pieter to prison for hiding her. Sad to say, Lena didn’t know who to trust—or if her own cousin would keep her secret safe. “I don’t understand, Truus. How can it reflect badly on my family to adopt a motherless child from Noordwijk?”

  Truus leaned closer. “People are saying she’s Ans’s baby.”

  “What?” The accusation took Lena by surprise. Her heart pounded with outrage.

  “Nettie van Dam saw Ans bringing her here late Friday night,” Truus continued. “She said Ans acted very suspiciously. Nettie’s husband is a church elder, and he saw Ans, too, as he was leaving the consistory meeting. So did my husband.”

  Lena didn’t know how to reply to such a scandalous accusation. She was blushing, and she knew that her flushed cheeks made her appear guilty. It took her a moment to find her voice. “Yes, Ans brought her here . . . but . . . you mean . . . Nettie van Dam just assumed . . . ?”

  “Everyone knows Ans is a willful girl. Nettie’s daughter, Corrie, was Ans’s best friend before she suddenly and mysteriously disappeared.”

  “It isn’t a mystery! Ans works for a college professor and his wife in Leiden!”

  “Don’t get mad at me, Lena. I’m just telling you what Nettie said. We all remember how Ans refused to come to church before she moved away. And she hasn’t been home for how long, now? A year or more? If you don’t want this gossip to spread, you need to speak up right away and quell the rumors.”

  “I’ve already told everyone about Bep’s parents,” she said in a tight voice. “Ans brought her here because she was friends with them. If that explanation isn’t enough . . . !” She was too furious to finish. She turned away from Truus and watched her children playing as she struggled to control her temper. Maaike was enraptured with Bep and was like a fussy little mother. Wim proudly stood guard, ignoring his friend who called to him to play. Should Lena defend her honor and pride with the truth and endanger this baby? Or was she willing to sacrifice her reputation to save a Jewish baby’s life? “People will believe whatever they choose to believe,” she finally said. “If they want to accuse my daughter, they should have the decency to do it to my face.”

  Truus glanced all around as if someone might be listening, then lowered her voice again. “Lena, we’ve known each other all our lives. We’re family. You know I would never betray your secrets. You can trust me with the truth.”

  Lena turned back to her. “Are you asking me if it’s true? You think Bep is Ans’s daughter?”

  Truus shrugged as if to say, Yes, why not?

  Lena hesitated. Bep would be safer if Truus and everyone else in town believed the rumor. The orphan story sounded too convenient and a bit suspicious. Yet Lena’s
instinct was to protect Ans’s reputation. Yes, she’d been rebellious in earlier years, but Ans was strong and beautiful and kind and good. She’d risked her life to bring Bep here and to help her Jewish parents. She was risking her life every day by working with the Resistance. Ans would gladly sacrifice her reputation for this beautiful child. And as difficult as it would be, Lena knew she would have to sacrifice her own reputation as well. She would become the mother whose scandalous daughter had brought home an illegitimate baby for her to raise.

  “You can’t tell anyone, Truus,” Lena said quietly.

  Truus’s eyes grew wide. “So she is Ans’s baby?”

  “Bep is our daughter now. Pieter and I will raise her as our own.”

  Lena and Pieter were about to go upstairs to bed a week after Bep’s arrival when there was a soft knock on the kitchen door. They looked at each other. “Are you expecting anyone?” she whispered. Pieter shook his head. Lena scrambled to her feet and raced upstairs to make sure all the children were asleep. She heard the door squeal open, but she didn’t hear any voices. When she was certain that none of the children were awake, she crept downstairs again to the kitchen. Pieter was talking with a man, their voices so low she couldn’t hear what they were saying. One of the stairs creaked, and when Pieter saw her, he motioned for her to come closer.

  “This is Wolf,” he told her. “He works with Ans’s network.” Wolf was in his midtwenties, dark-haired and thin. He looked more suited to sitting in a student café and discussing philosophy than to being a soldier with the Dutch Resistance.

  “We need hiding places for Jews and onderduikers,” he said simply. “I understand you’re willing to help.”

  “We’re willing,” Pieter said.

  “Do you know the risks?” He looked at Lena when he asked the question. “To you and your family?”

  Lena’s heart sped up. She wanted to protect her family and keep them safe, not put them in danger. Once again, fear and faith waged war in her heart. Fear warned her not to defy the Nazis and risk imprisonment or death, while faith encouraged her to stand against evil and hide these people. It had been faith that gave her the courage to shelter Bep, and if Lena’s faith was real, then it must win this struggle. Yet she couldn’t deny the sickening dread that lay coiled in her heart at the thought of her loved ones in Nazi hands.