Chasing Shadows Read online

  She realized after he left that the fist in her chest had relaxed while she’d spoken with him. She could breathe again.

  By the end of Miriam’s first week in the refugee camp, Avi had become a regular fixture at her daily practice sessions, sitting quietly off to the side, sometimes closing his eyes as she played. Even when she lost herself in the music, Miriam was aware of him sitting nearby, listening. His quiet serenity made her feel calm. He and many of the other refugees told her how much they enjoyed her music and thanked her for making Westerbork a little less bleak. She had just finished practicing one day and was putting her violin away when Avi rose from his customary place on the steps of the barracks and approached her.

  “Miriam—I’ve been searching all week for a way to thank you for your music and the hours of enjoyment it has brought me, and I’ve come up with something.” He waved a book in the air. “If you’ll allow me, I would like to read a psalm to you.” He motioned to the place where he usually sat, inviting her to sit down. He smiled his familiar warm grin, then began to read:

  “Listen to my words, Lord,

  consider my lament.

  Hear my cry for help,

  my King and my God,

  for to you I pray.

  In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice;

  in the morning I lay my requests before you

  and wait expectantly. . . .

  But let all who take refuge in you be glad;

  let them ever sing for joy.

  Spread your protection over them,

  that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

  “That psalm is about us, Miriam,” he said when he finished. “We’re refugees in this place, but our true refuge is in Him.”

  “Will you read it again, please?”

  He did. The words summed up Miriam’s unvoiced prayers and made her feel that her unshed tears were noticed.

  Every afternoon after that, Avi read a psalm to her. Miriam looked forward to it as much as she did to losing herself in her music. Slowly, in spite of her losses, in spite of her stark surroundings, Miriam’s panic attacks became less frequent and she began to feel hopeful again. The psalmists knew suffering and what it was to wait in confident hope. To wait with countless questions and no answers. She wasn’t alone in her loneliness. Avi became a trusted friend.

  CHAPTER 5

  Ans chose an outdoor table at the little café along the canal even though the sky sagged with heavy clouds. She was grateful for a few minutes alone, away from the pristine town house and the breathless intensity of her employer’s personality. Eloise hadn’t fallen into the pit of melancholy the professor had warned about, but she set such a hectic, frantic pace that Ans feared it was only a matter of time before she collapsed. She and Ans had been coming to this café regularly, and the friendly young waitress, Jansje, smiled as she walked over to greet Ans.

  “Your mother isn’t with you today?”

  “Pardon? . . . Oh . . . no, Eloise isn’t my mother. I’m her companion. She went out for coffee with her husband today.”

  “I’m so sorry for assuming . . .”

  “That’s okay.”

  “You seemed so close, like mother and daughter or at least good friends, always running off to do things together.”

  “Well . . . yes, I suppose we are friends. I sometimes forget that I work for her. She’s been good to me, taking me to so many interesting places that it hardly seems like work.”

  “Do you want your usual?” Jansje asked.

  “Yes. Thank you.” Ans watched her disappear into the café and realized how much she longed for a friend her own age, someone she could daydream with and talk with about silly, unimportant things. Someone uncomplicated, who didn’t keep Ans always on edge. “Do you have time to visit a bit?” Ans asked when Jansje returned with her coffee and pastry. “I’d like to ask you a question.”

  Jansje glanced around at the other outdoor tables. “Sure. We’re never very busy in the afternoon.” She pulled out one of the metal chairs and sat down but couldn’t seem to resist straightening the sugar bowl and the ashtray and other items on the table while they talked. “What’s your question?”

  “I’ll have some free time this Saturday night while my employers attend a dinner, so I was wondering what there is to do around here.”

  “Do you want to meet some boys?”

  “Not especially.” Ans smiled at Jansje’s look of surprise. “I mean, I’m not looking for anything serious—I just want to meet some people my age and have some fun. I grew up in a dreary farm village where nothing much happened. It’s so small that if I looked twice at a boy, everyone in town would start discussing our wedding.”

  Jansje laughed. “And you didn’t like any of those boys?”

  “They were as interesting as wooden clogs. All they knew about were cows and crops. This is a university town. There must be someplace fun where the students go.”

  “Do you like to dance? My boyfriend, Bram, and I sometimes go dancing.”

  “You have a boyfriend? Tell me all about him!”

  Jansje glanced at her other customers as though checking to see if she was needed. She was a plain girl, but her smile made her seem pretty as she talked about her boyfriend. “Bram and I are planning to get married when he finishes at the police academy. I’m working here to earn money so we can get a head start.”

  “That’s exciting!”

  “I can’t wait to be his wife! Have you ever been in love?” Ans shook her head. “Oh, it’s wonderful! We go dancing nearly every weekend or else to this other club to listen to the music. You’re welcome to come with us sometime.”

  “I wouldn’t want to limp along like a third wheel.”

  She tilted her head in thought. “Bram’s roommate is awfully cute. I don’t think he’s dating anyone special. How about a blind date? We could all go together.”

  “What’s his roommate like?”

  “Erik already finished at the academy and he’s a policeman here in Leiden. He’s kind of quiet and serious, you know? But you’re so lively and friendly I think you’d be good for him. And Erik is good-looking, too—although not as handsome as Bram,” she added with a laugh.

  The offer intrigued Ans. She felt a shiver of excitement, or perhaps it was guilt. Should she ask which church Erik belonged to? Her parents would forbid her to date a man from another religion—or worse, someone with no church background at all. She took a sip of coffee and decided she didn’t care. “I’m willing to try it if Erik is.”

  “Great! What do you want me to tell him about you? Besides that you’re gorgeous.”

  The compliment caught Ans off guard, and she felt her cheeks burning. She’d been taught that it was vain and prideful to acknowledge her own physical beauty. “Just tell him I’m new in Leiden and that I’m working for a university professor and his wife as her companion. Please don’t mention that I’m from a farm town.”

  A customer beckoned to Jansje from another table, and she stood. “I’ll talk to Bram and Erik tonight. Stop by tomorrow and I’ll let you know what they say.”

  It was quickly arranged. Ans would meet Jansje at the café on Saturday evening and they would walk to the dance hall where the men would be waiting.

  Erik Brouwer’s first words when Jansje introduced Ans were “You weren’t lying when you said she was gorgeous! I’m very glad to meet you, Ans—before some other lucky fellow did!”

  “You’re not bad yourself,” she replied, laughing. “Are you sure you don’t have a girlfriend already?” Erik was strong and well-built with wide shoulders and a square, handsome face. His thick, wavy hair was the color of sand and had an intriguing, tousled look that made Ans want to run her fingers through it.

  “No, I’ve never had a girlfriend.”

  “Erik is married to his job,” Jansje said. “Come on, let’s dance.” She pulled her boyfriend onto the dance floor. The walls pulsed with music—a swing style that Ans had enjoyed listening to on the rad
io but had never heard from a live band.

  “Would you like to dance?” Erik asked her.

  “Can we just watch for a minute? To tell you the truth, I don’t really know how, and I want to see how it’s done first.”

  “Sure. I’ll be glad to teach you when you’re ready.” Erik led her to a table and ordered two glasses of Amstel. There was something exotic about him that made the farm boys back home seem dull and lumbering in comparison. She thought she detected a slight accent in his speech but couldn’t place it.

  “Have you always lived in Leiden?” she asked.

  “Only for the past five years. I was born in Bandung, Java, in the Dutch East Indies.”

  “That’s amazing! What’s it like?”

  “Well, very hot for one thing.” He had a shy, sweet smile. “But lush and beautiful. My father was a civil servant for the Dutch government, but he died five years ago. He wanted me to return to the Netherlands, where he and my mother were born.”

  “Do you miss Java?”

  “In some ways, yes. Especially the food. But Leiden is my home now.”

  “What made you decide to become a policeman?”

  “I don’t know . . . I think it must be in my blood to want to make sure everything runs smoothly and in order. My father was the same way. There are parts of the East Indies that are still untamed compared to here.”

  “Would you ever want to go back and help tame them?”

  “Maybe . . . someday. But I like it here very much at the moment.”

  Ans relaxed as they chatted, relishing the freedom from the pressure of her job, savoring her life in a new city away from home, enjoying the company of an interesting, attractive man. Erik was polite and engaging, but after a while she noticed that he never fully relaxed. He always seemed alert and aware of his surroundings, scanning the room as if watching for danger, watching the other people. “Are you on duty as a policeman tonight?” she finally asked. “Or are you looking for someone in particular?”

  “Me? . . . No, I’m off duty tonight. Why?”

  “Well, you seem to be always looking around, as if expecting something to happen.”

  He gave an embarrassed grin. “Sorry. It’s my job to be vigilant and notice things. Sometimes it’s hard for me to turn it off. Does it bother you?”

  “Not really. I was just curious. My job with the Huizengas also requires a certain amount of watchfulness, but I’m grateful for the chance to be free from the responsibility for a few hours. I’ll bet you’re a very good policeman.”

  The music changed to a slower tempo, and Erik reached for her hand. “Are you ready to try dancing? It’ll be easier now that the band is playing a slow song.”

  “Sure! I’ll give it a try.” Erik was a patient teacher, and Ans liked dancing once she got the hang of it. Being in his arms was the best part of all. He smelled wonderful, like mysterious spices from distant places. She hoped he would ask her out again and wondered if it would be too bold of her to suggest they go to the cinema some night. She was working up the nerve to try when two men at a nearby table got into a heated argument. Erik immediately became alert as their voices grew louder, and when one of them shoved the other, Erik stepped over to intervene.

  “Hey. This isn’t the place for roughhousing. There are women here. Why don’t you go outside and cool down?” For a moment, it looked like one of the men might take a swing at Erik. Ans held her breath. But the man seemed to change his mind after assessing Erik’s strong build and ready stance. He turned away and stormed out.

  “You did that very well,” Ans said, breathing again. “Do you know him?”

  “I’ve seen him here a few times. He always drinks too much.”

  “I told you Erik was married to his job,” Jansje said with a laugh as she joined them.

  “Well, I think what he did was wonderful,” Ans replied. “I bet he’ll be chief of police someday.”

  When the evening ended, Ans accepted Erik’s offer to walk her home. “I had fun tonight,” he told her. “Would you go out with me again sometime?”

  “I was hoping you would ask.”

  “How about a noon picnic in the park by the Burcht tomorrow?”

  “The Burcht? I don’t think I’ve been there yet.”

  “It’s in the oldest part of Leiden, right where the two branches of the Rijn meet. It was a fortress in ancient times. It has a great view of the city.”

  “I would like that, but . . . um . . . I have to go to church with the Huizengas in the morning. It’s part of my job. Can I meet you afterwards?”

  “Sure.”

  They shared a lunch of bread and cheese the next day, spread on a blanket near the canal. Swans and ducks floated in the water, undisturbed by the pleasure boats drifting past on the peaceful Sunday afternoon.

  In the weeks that followed, it wasn’t easy for Ans and Erik to arrange time off together, but when they did, they spent it with each other. Along with dances and leisurely picnics in the park, they watched the boat traffic on the canals, ate in little cafés along the Rijn, and rode bicycles together over Leiden’s lumpy brick streets. Ans took Erik through the conservatory at the Hortus Botanicus and browsed through Leiden’s bookshops, where they found a book with photographs of Erik’s native Java. Ans introduced Erik to Eloise Huizenga when he came to fetch her one evening, and Eloise declared him “a decent and charming young man.” On one beautiful Sunday morning, Ans asked to be excused from church, and she and Erik rode their bicycles to the beach at Katwijk. Erik took her hand as they walked through the sand near the shore and admired the old lighthouse. She loved the feel of his hand in her own.

  “Are you and Erik getting serious?” Jansje asked one day when Ans stopped at the café alone for coffee. “You’re together all the time now.”

  “We’re just good friends. That’s the way we both want it, for now. We have fun together.” But Ans couldn’t deny the prickle of excitement she felt every time she waited for Erik to arrive. Or the deep contentment she felt when she walked beside him, holding his hand. She began wishing he would kiss her, and when he finally did, holding her face in his strong, square hands, his fingers tangled in her hair, it was the most wonderful feeling Ans had ever experienced.

  “I’ve been wanting to do that for quite a while,” he murmured, his breath tickling her face.

  “Me too . . .” They stood in the shadows along the Witte Singel, the water rippling gently against the shore, the twinkling city lights reflected on the water. Erik pulled her close and kissed her again, and Ans never wanted to leave his arms. Was this what love felt like? Was she falling in love? Whatever it was, Ans had never felt freer or happier.

  CHAPTER 6

  “I’ve come up with an idea,” Avi said one afternoon. “I’d like to know what you think.” Miriam couldn’t imagine what he might say, but she was touched that he valued her opinion. “The Sabbath begins tomorrow at sundown, and I’d like you and your father to celebrate it with me. We can invite other families too, if you’d like, but I would especially like to celebrate it with you. Will you help me with the arrangements?”

  The idea delighted Miriam. “You’ll have to teach me what to do. I’ve never made Sabbath preparations before.”

  “The most important things are the bread, the wine, and the candles. I have a book with all the prayers and readings.” His enthusiasm was contagious.

  “I brought my grandmother’s silver candlesticks from home. We can use those.”

  “Perfect! Will you light the candles for us? The woman of the household has the honor of welcoming the Sabbath.”

  “Yes, of course. Where will you get candles? And wine?”

  “I’m going to ask permission to walk to Assen tomorrow.”

  “Isn’t that a long way?”

  “It is, but it’ll be worth it. And I might be able to hitch a ride with one of the supply vans.”

  Abba’s enthusiasm for the idea surprised Miriam. He pushed money into Avi’s hand, offering to p
ay for the wine and candles. Two other families wanted to join them, along with three single men who lived in Avi’s dormitory. They got permission to pull a table aside in the dining hall for their Shabbat table, and Miriam decorated it with wildflowers and the silver candlesticks. She and Avi were adding the finishing touches when Abba rushed in, waving a letter and his dark-rimmed spectacles in the air. “Miriam! We got a letter from your mother!”

  “How is she? What did she say?” Abba’s joy made her certain that Mother must be coming to join them. There was life in his gray face again and a sparkle in his hazel eyes.

  “Here, you can read it. It’s to both of us.”

  Miriam held her breath as she read, pushing against the anxiety she always felt when she thought of home. According to Mother, everything was the same. Saul was hobbling around on crutches now, but Mother said nothing about him playing his cello. She said nothing about joining them, either. Miriam wondered if the arguments around the dinner table were the same too, now that Abba was gone. Abba watched as she read, and when she finished and looked up at him, she still saw glee on his face. She hadn’t read anything in the letter that accounted for it.

  “You’re pleased about something, Abba. What is it?”

  “I received another letter today, as well. My labors to find a university position may finally be bearing fruit. The letter is from a colleague at Leiden University, right here in the Netherlands. We met at a conference in Berlin, and he remembers my work. He’s trying to arrange a position for me as a lecturer in physics. I may even be able to continue my research there.”

  Miriam hugged him. “That’s wonderful, Abba!”

  “Congratulations, Professor Jacobs,” Avi said. “I’m glad you and Miriam may be getting out of this place.” Avi was happy for them, Miriam could tell. But she heard regret in his voice and saw it in his eyes.

  “It isn’t definite yet,” Abba said. “But my colleague will continue to lobby on my behalf. He thinks it looks very hopeful.”

  Avi turned to her. “You can pursue your musical studies there.”